April 28, 2012

The atmosphere was very congenial

The setting was really first class.

The host and hostess were hospitable

And gave us Champagne by the glass.

 

 The menu was very imaginative,

Our chef was in cracking good form.

His friend, Jerry Boam popped his cork,

But in the end he went down a storm.

 

The chef wore a ‘Kiss-Me-Quick’ pinny,

‘Cos at his age it pays to beg

And we were all rather impressed

By his salad topped with quails egg !

 

One lady galloped off to the loo

Thirty four times whilst we dined!

She was supposed to be staying overnight,

The words ‘rubber mattress’ sprang to mind.

 

The food it  just kept on coming,

We thought it would never stop.

And I swear that a kangaroo

At one point did a hop.

 

Then came the heavenly fruit

And all kinds of exotic cheese

These really are gradely people

And certainly know how to please.

 

The same lady bombed off to the lav again

The poor lamb needs incontinence knickers!

The candles were nearly burnt out

And into their final flickers.

 

A blond guy was the first to look weary

And the hostess’s eyelids started to drop.

Everyone, in turn, did a sneaky yawn,

So the party finally had to stop.

 

It was a night to remember.

Though today, some might want to forget

As they crawl out from under the sheets,

En-route for the painkillers – you can bet

April 25, 2012

 

 

Please can you come and rescue us

We look like fools, we’re dressed all wrong

They don’t wear clothes like this down here

We feel like we don’t belong

 

Everyone is staring at us

So we’re coming out onto the street

Can you bring our jeans and jackets

And we’ll change in your back seat

 

We saw the nudges as we walked in

Eyes wide open and filled with shock

We daren’t go on the karaoke

Because we know us, they would mock

 

So get to us as quickly as you can

As this place is just coming alive

We are seventh on the list to sing

Our favourite song, which is ‘I will survive’

 

 

 

 

 

That one fly ruined everything

I tried to swat it with my hand

Knocking over a glass of wine in the process

And wrecking a summer’s lunch that was grand

 

‘Shall we eat inside or out’

He asked me when we arrived.

And as he’s a man of the great outdoors

Of the sun, I knew he wouldn’t want to be deprived

 

So I acquiesced, I think that’s the word

Well anyhow, we finished up sat on a form

Covered in pigeon pooh with ants

Running amok – Oh, how I longed for a storm.

 

Being the fantasist that he is

These obstacles were of little dread

And I sat there thinking ‘Ee what a fool,

The sun’s burning the top of his head’

 

Then it arrived, I knew it would come

It follows me everywhere

I know it’s the same one, I live in fear

The ‘little shit’ hasn’t got a care!

 

My man is a ‘foodie’, a gourmet renowned

And selected from the menu his choice

Whilst slavering over the Hungarian waitress

As he listened to her so sexy voice!

 

He’s building up another scenario, I thought

Of expectation filled with desire

‘I’ll take a bottle of the Chablis, my dear’

He said with his bright eyes on fire.

 

For starters he’d decided on the crab salad

Followed by a rare rib eye steak

I still can’t believe how it all went so wrong

And such a gorgeous setting, sat by the lake!

 

Life seemed so perfect, well for him at least

Though I too, was starting to unwind

But that nuisance fly just wouldn’t go away

So I lashed out with all the power I could find

 

‘Oh well done Darling’, he sarcastically uttered

As his steak sailed in a sea of white wine

‘The cabaret is free’ I said to other diners

As the Hungarian floosie asked ‘Is everything fine’?

 

 

 

April 23, 2012

 

 

I’m just nipping outside

I won’t be a minute

I feel like a stroll

In the fresh air

I’ll be back in a tic

No, I’m not feeling sick

 

I’m ok

I’ll be back straight away

In fact, before you can say

‘Cold hard boiled eggs’

 

COLD HARD BOILED EGGS!

How I hate them

Detest them

Phew, I could heave

From the table I’d leave

If I caught sight of just one of those

 

But I am rather partial

To a big plate of mash

I don’t mean that trash

No, proper squashed potatoes

With milk, cream and butter

Makes me slaver and stutter

‘Such bliss’ I do utter

 

When it’s brought to the table

By a wench who is able

To take my jokes with a titter

I’ll have another pint of bitter

Followed by a whisky

I’m feeling quite frisky

 

But it’s time once again for my stroll

You know I’ve quit smoking

Honestly, I’m not joking

Well, I might have the odd puff

But that’s generally enough.

Oh, here’s the sweet trolley

Pushed by a dolly

I’m feeling quite randy

I’ll manage a brandy

With my coffee and chocolate éclair

 

But first – I’m going back out there

For another spot of fresh air

So sit down and keep calm

There’s no cause for alarm

 

I’ll return in a jiffy

I’ll try not to smell whiffy

It’s totally legal

To go look for an eagle

 

In the night sky

Don’t ask me why?

Everyone does it

So don’t shake your head with a sigh

 

Because I’m telling you why

 

I’m not bats or bonkers

Didn’t that waitress have big honkers?

Where was I?

Oh yes, I digress

 

There’s no harm in a fag

Without one, life’s a drag

But I’m not pulling your leg when I say-

There’s nothing I hate more

Than a horrible

Cold hard boiled EGG!

 

 

 

 

 

April 20, 2012

 

 

The by-pass worked

The Viagra too

A second chance

To start anew

 

 

April 15, 2012

 

 

Custard pants is coming

Swaggering along the prom

With one hand in his pocket

He struts with such aplomb

 

 

April 12, 2012

 

 

Ducks and drakes

And drama queens

Stand up comedians

Full of beans

Vaudeville acts

With ancient scenes

The smell of the grease paint

Wild kids in their teens

The opening night

Behind ‘dry ice’ smoke screens

The excitement, the thrill

That loud applause means.

Endless ladies queuing

For too few latrines

A drama, a comedy

A murder with fiends

An audience dressed anyhow

Elegance gone, they wear jeans.

The ice cream seller vital

So too, the sweeper who cleans

The theatre, the theatre

The home of our dreams!

 

 

April 10, 2012

 

 

Do you remember laughing so much that

Your sides ached, and you almost passed out

With dizziness

And you were so overwhelmed with joy

That you felt totally out of control

When fun was the only aphrodisiac you needed

And you were high on life

When your world was simple and uncomplicated

When you were the soul of the party

The clown, and one who cheered everyone up?

At what stage did the jester in you die?

 

 

 

March 28, 2012

 

Remember when times were exciting

With no responsibilities to dwell upon?

And the only thing that seemed important

Was whether the sun came out and shone.

 

Remember feeling so very carefree?

When time was really our own.

No hassle, no rush, no commitment.

No, not even a mobile phone.

 

Remember when things really mattered?

And somehow people always had time.

When folks left their front doors open,

Without any fear of crime.

 

Remember those long gone days?

When people weren’t in search of power

And time just used to tick by

Gently, hour by hour.

 

Remember when life was so simple?

When selfishness and greed were rare.

When people looked after each other,

And were always willing to share.

 

Remember, remember, remember.

For those times are a far off planet

That has long since, sadly, uprooted.

And left us forever, damn it !

 

 

March 16, 2012

 

I take eight tablets, if I remember

Every single day.

I spread them on the worktop,

In colourful array.

 

I take a water tablet

To flush my kidneys out

Then I take a bigger white pill

To ease the pain I get with gout.

 

The next one contains rat poison,

I tell you not a lie,

But this, they say, is essential.

Without it I would die .

 

Now make some sense of that

And make the answer quick

In case I get St Vitas Dance

And my legs start to kick.

 

Next I take a capsule,

Which is a lovely brownish red

I think it helps my arthritis

Or the pain that’s in my head

 

Into a glass of water

An aspirin next I drop

Sometimes I put the wrong one in

And watch it float on top.

 

That’s when, in total confusion

I have to walk away.

I put them in the cupboard

And hope I last the day

 

 I save two pills for after

I’ve had my piece of toast.

But my husband sometimes takes them

So him, I have to roast.

 

I’m not sure how they affect him.

But a change is as good as a rest

I’ve hidden his Viagra

As I think it’s for the best.

 

 

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