April 13, 2012

 

 

If we split them up

And go for a walk

It’ll be easier for you

To get him to talk

 

He’ll reveal their business

He’ll spill the beans

Not that I’m nosey

By any means

 

It’s just that she

Is harder to read

And cleverly avoids

The questions I feed

 

So buy him a beer

To relax his tongue

And he’ll sing like a canary

Before too long.

 

 

 

 

Keep your knees together love

And straighten up your spine

And put a smile upon your face

Oh, and lower that hemline.

 

 

 

 

Unfortunately she has

To accept he’s right

So it’s humble pie for tea

And down on one knee tonight.

 

 

 

 

 

Unburden your troubles onto your mother

Tell her each detail of your dismay

And how you are the injured party

And how unfairly you were treated today

 

Reveal your anxiety to your mother

Tell her each word that at you was spat

And how you are the innocent victim

And how injustice has made you feel flat

 

Then end your chat with your mother

Tell her goodbye and go on your way

Feeling refreshed and invigorated

Whilst she’s left worried sick

For the rest of the day

 

 

 

 

He nipped into the closet

From her bed he quickly fled

When her man came home unexpectedly

As she feigned an aching head

 

But on the floor her partner spotted

A sock that was not his

Before seeing champagne glasses

Containing drink that had lost its fizz

 

 

 

 

 

Could you just tell me

In plain simple language

Exactly what it is you want me to do.

If you don’t tell me then how can

I possibly know?

I’m not a mind reader

Nor can I multi task

I’m simply a man

So just ask.

 

 

April 12, 2012

 

 

Ducks and drakes

And drama queens

Stand up comedians

Full of beans

Vaudeville acts

With ancient scenes

The smell of the grease paint

Wild kids in their teens

The opening night

Behind ‘dry ice’ smoke screens

The excitement, the thrill

That loud applause means.

Endless ladies queuing

For too few latrines

A drama, a comedy

A murder with fiends

An audience dressed anyhow

Elegance gone, they wear jeans.

The ice cream seller vital

So too, the sweeper who cleans

The theatre, the theatre

The home of our dreams!

 

 

 

 

What a blunder

What a joke

He gave him the elbow

With a blatant poke

 

That deserves a yellow card!

 

What an obstruction

What a laugh

The Ref clearly missed

What was an obvious gaf

 

That deserves a yellow card!

 

What a fraudster

What a cheat

That stupid error

Will cost us a clean sheet

 

Through another missed yellow card!

 

What a stinker

What a mess

A silly ‘own goal’

Causing more distress

 

And where was the yellow card?

 

What an ending

What a bind

The bloody referee

Must be totally blind

 

And he’s never heard of a yellow card!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tell them I’ve made the reserve team

It sounds better than saying I’m a ‘Colt’

Tell them that I’ve been ‘commended’

And I gave the away side a jolt.

Tell them that at the Academy

I came out ‘top of the tree’

And all the scouts from the premiership

In a few years will be after me.

Tell them that I scored a great goal

Whilst going on to make another two

Tell them I’ve been told that I’m gifted

And can sub for the first team – it’s true.

Tell them my dream isn’t over

Though in my heart I know better

It seems I’m not good enough to make it

Least, that’s what it says in this letter!

 

But I will prove them wrong

And make it, in this game.

I’m not finished yet

So watch out for my name

 

 

 

 

 

 

His tackles were awesome

His ‘set pieces’ a joy

His shooting was accurate

The opposition he’d destroy

He commanded the field

He rarely sat on the bench

But his downfall was booze

And the odd lively wench

 

 

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