April 28, 2012

 

 

Fellow members, one and all

Listen to my voice

I am the chairman, the one who counts

So you really don’t have a choice

 

Do you agree with the minutes,

Can I sign them as being correct?

The secretary has fled to Rome

So raise your hand if you do object

 

The first item on the agenda

Is concerning the ladies loo

Where not one door is lockable

Oh, what is a maiden to do?

 

Next item is about the pickled eggs

Has anyone got some spare jars?

If so we’ll pickle some onions too

They’ll fit in the boot of our cars

 

Then we come to the question

Of who’ll host the garden party in May?

Last year only five people turned up

But at least we didn’t turn anyone away

 

Next I’ll pose you this thought

Of who’ll fill my seat when I’m dead?

If I know, I can start to train them now

Because the job comes with so much dread

 

I’ve held down this post as Chairman

For years totalling many a score

I never seem to have any challengers

As no one new ever walks through the door!

 

 

 

The atmosphere was very congenial

The setting was really first class.

The host and hostess were hospitable

And gave us Champagne by the glass.

 

 The menu was very imaginative,

Our chef was in cracking good form.

His friend, Jerry Boam popped his cork,

But in the end he went down a storm.

 

The chef wore a ‘Kiss-Me-Quick’ pinny,

‘Cos at his age it pays to beg

And we were all rather impressed

By his salad topped with quails egg !

 

One lady galloped off to the loo

Thirty four times whilst we dined!

She was supposed to be staying overnight,

The words ‘rubber mattress’ sprang to mind.

 

The food it  just kept on coming,

We thought it would never stop.

And I swear that a kangaroo

At one point did a hop.

 

Then came the heavenly fruit

And all kinds of exotic cheese

These really are gradely people

And certainly know how to please.

 

The same lady bombed off to the lav again

The poor lamb needs incontinence knickers!

The candles were nearly burnt out

And into their final flickers.

 

A blond guy was the first to look weary

And the hostess’s eyelids started to drop.

Everyone, in turn, did a sneaky yawn,

So the party finally had to stop.

 

It was a night to remember.

Though today, some might want to forget

As they crawl out from under the sheets,

En-route for the painkillers – you can bet

April 26, 2012

 

 

So suddenly the changes come

Without warning or any insight

We awoke this morning as a couple

But I’ll be alone in bed tonight

 

It’s a total shock to the system

All meaning disappears from life

This evening I am a widow

But this morning I was a wife!

 

This situation is nonsensical

My heart has broken in two

How can I live a minute longer

Now that I don’t have you !

 

You were the centre of my universe

My stability, my dependable rock

This feeling of grief is unbearable

I haven’t had time to take stock

 

So suddenly the changes arrive

And upset the master plan

God give me the strength to carry on

Now that I’ve lost my man

 

 

 

 

A million pebbles on the sea shore

Skimmed gently out to sea

By weekend revellers and nudists too

Only in Brighton can we be

 

No sign of sand anywhere

Just seagulls screeching with glee

Their voices hauntingly melancholy

Only in Brighton can we be

 

Thrashing waters, killer waves

At high tide we all flee

Back through ‘The Lanes’ to our Hotel

Only in Brighton can we be

 

A burnt out pier, needing restoration

No bucket and spade for the child at our knee

But we shall return, like years before, for

Only in Brighton can we be

 

 

 

April 25, 2012

 

 

Please can you come and rescue us

We look like fools, we’re dressed all wrong

They don’t wear clothes like this down here

We feel like we don’t belong

 

Everyone is staring at us

So we’re coming out onto the street

Can you bring our jeans and jackets

And we’ll change in your back seat

 

We saw the nudges as we walked in

Eyes wide open and filled with shock

We daren’t go on the karaoke

Because we know us, they would mock

 

So get to us as quickly as you can

As this place is just coming alive

We are seventh on the list to sing

Our favourite song, which is ‘I will survive’

 

 

 

 

 

That one fly ruined everything

I tried to swat it with my hand

Knocking over a glass of wine in the process

And wrecking a summer’s lunch that was grand

 

‘Shall we eat inside or out’

He asked me when we arrived.

And as he’s a man of the great outdoors

Of the sun, I knew he wouldn’t want to be deprived

 

So I acquiesced, I think that’s the word

Well anyhow, we finished up sat on a form

Covered in pigeon pooh with ants

Running amok – Oh, how I longed for a storm.

 

Being the fantasist that he is

These obstacles were of little dread

And I sat there thinking ‘Ee what a fool,

The sun’s burning the top of his head’

 

Then it arrived, I knew it would come

It follows me everywhere

I know it’s the same one, I live in fear

The ‘little shit’ hasn’t got a care!

 

My man is a ‘foodie’, a gourmet renowned

And selected from the menu his choice

Whilst slavering over the Hungarian waitress

As he listened to her so sexy voice!

 

He’s building up another scenario, I thought

Of expectation filled with desire

‘I’ll take a bottle of the Chablis, my dear’

He said with his bright eyes on fire.

 

For starters he’d decided on the crab salad

Followed by a rare rib eye steak

I still can’t believe how it all went so wrong

And such a gorgeous setting, sat by the lake!

 

Life seemed so perfect, well for him at least

Though I too, was starting to unwind

But that nuisance fly just wouldn’t go away

So I lashed out with all the power I could find

 

‘Oh well done Darling’, he sarcastically uttered

As his steak sailed in a sea of white wine

‘The cabaret is free’ I said to other diners

As the Hungarian floosie asked ‘Is everything fine’?

 

 

 

April 23, 2012

 

 

I’m just nipping outside

I won’t be a minute

I feel like a stroll

In the fresh air

I’ll be back in a tic

No, I’m not feeling sick

 

I’m ok

I’ll be back straight away

In fact, before you can say

‘Cold hard boiled eggs’

 

COLD HARD BOILED EGGS!

How I hate them

Detest them

Phew, I could heave

From the table I’d leave

If I caught sight of just one of those

 

But I am rather partial

To a big plate of mash

I don’t mean that trash

No, proper squashed potatoes

With milk, cream and butter

Makes me slaver and stutter

‘Such bliss’ I do utter

 

When it’s brought to the table

By a wench who is able

To take my jokes with a titter

I’ll have another pint of bitter

Followed by a whisky

I’m feeling quite frisky

 

But it’s time once again for my stroll

You know I’ve quit smoking

Honestly, I’m not joking

Well, I might have the odd puff

But that’s generally enough.

Oh, here’s the sweet trolley

Pushed by a dolly

I’m feeling quite randy

I’ll manage a brandy

With my coffee and chocolate éclair

 

But first – I’m going back out there

For another spot of fresh air

So sit down and keep calm

There’s no cause for alarm

 

I’ll return in a jiffy

I’ll try not to smell whiffy

It’s totally legal

To go look for an eagle

 

In the night sky

Don’t ask me why?

Everyone does it

So don’t shake your head with a sigh

 

Because I’m telling you why

 

I’m not bats or bonkers

Didn’t that waitress have big honkers?

Where was I?

Oh yes, I digress

 

There’s no harm in a fag

Without one, life’s a drag

But I’m not pulling your leg when I say-

There’s nothing I hate more

Than a horrible

Cold hard boiled EGG!

 

 

 

 

 

April 22, 2012

 

 

They had to make up their differences

 

Though she didn’t think she was in the wrong

 

  They always blamed each other

 

              Their sense of rivalry was so strong

 

Call it a clash of personalities!

 

          Two individuals wanting centre stage

 

   And inevitably a ‘no win’ situation

 

 To be in the same room filled them with rage

 

But sense in the end, had to happen

 

               Their anger was affecting everyone

 

So they met and shook hands and agreed

 

That from now on, all bad feeling would be gone

 

 

 

   But even at the point of forgiveness

 

          She still thought him a selfish prat

 

  They’ll always rub each other up the wrong way

 

        But she’s stuck with him, so that’s that.

 

 

 

April 20, 2012

 

 

The by-pass worked

The Viagra too

A second chance

To start anew

 

 

 

 

It was never really over,

For there never was an end.

In a crisis they would get in touch,

They were still each other’s friend.

 

It wasn’t really unfinished business.

For sex had long since gone.

It was nice to have someone out there,

They could sometimes lean upon.

 

To meet would be foolhardy,

To love would be insane.

It’s a mistake in life to ever go back

And always ends in pain

 

But it’s nice to chat, every now and then

And bring each other up to date

Who knows what the future holds for them

No one knows their fate!

 

 

 

 

 

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