April 13, 2012

 

 

He nipped into the closet

From her bed he quickly fled

When her man came home unexpectedly

As she feigned an aching head

 

But on the floor her partner spotted

A sock that was not his

Before seeing champagne glasses

Containing drink that had lost its fizz

 

 

 

 

 

Could you just tell me

In plain simple language

Exactly what it is you want me to do.

If you don’t tell me then how can

I possibly know?

I’m not a mind reader

Nor can I multi task

I’m simply a man

So just ask.

 

 

April 12, 2012

 

 

Ducks and drakes

And drama queens

Stand up comedians

Full of beans

Vaudeville acts

With ancient scenes

The smell of the grease paint

Wild kids in their teens

The opening night

Behind ‘dry ice’ smoke screens

The excitement, the thrill

That loud applause means.

Endless ladies queuing

For too few latrines

A drama, a comedy

A murder with fiends

An audience dressed anyhow

Elegance gone, they wear jeans.

The ice cream seller vital

So too, the sweeper who cleans

The theatre, the theatre

The home of our dreams!

 

 

 

 

What a blunder

What a joke

He gave him the elbow

With a blatant poke

 

That deserves a yellow card!

 

What an obstruction

What a laugh

The Ref clearly missed

What was an obvious gaf

 

That deserves a yellow card!

 

What a fraudster

What a cheat

That stupid error

Will cost us a clean sheet

 

Through another missed yellow card!

 

What a stinker

What a mess

A silly ‘own goal’

Causing more distress

 

And where was the yellow card?

 

What an ending

What a bind

The bloody referee

Must be totally blind

 

And he’s never heard of a yellow card!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tell them I’ve made the reserve team

It sounds better than saying I’m a ‘Colt’

Tell them that I’ve been ‘commended’

And I gave the away side a jolt.

Tell them that at the Academy

I came out ‘top of the tree’

And all the scouts from the premiership

In a few years will be after me.

Tell them that I scored a great goal

Whilst going on to make another two

Tell them I’ve been told that I’m gifted

And can sub for the first team – it’s true.

Tell them my dream isn’t over

Though in my heart I know better

It seems I’m not good enough to make it

Least, that’s what it says in this letter!

 

But I will prove them wrong

And make it, in this game.

I’m not finished yet

So watch out for my name

 

 

 

 

 

 

His tackles were awesome

His ‘set pieces’ a joy

His shooting was accurate

The opposition he’d destroy

He commanded the field

He rarely sat on the bench

But his downfall was booze

And the odd lively wench

 

 

 

 

I didn’t tug his shirt Ref

I didn’t pull his arm

I didn’t grab him round the neck

I promise I kept calm

 

I didn’t trip him up Ref

I didn’t thump him hard

I didn’t think I’d fouled him

Though you showed a yellow card

            

I didn’t put the boot in Ref

I didn’t touch him, by a yard

I didn’t cause that nasty tackle

Though you flashed another card

 

I didn’t want an early bath Ref

I didn’t want to go off in disgrace

I didn’t want to let the side down

I didn’t want to lose my place.

 

 

 

 

 

The weather at Ascot had been mixed all week

And Ladies Day was no exception.

So they felt lucky to land a sunny Friday

For the traditional yearly reception.

 

The Ladies looked swell and were in good spirits

And they got some advice on studying form

From the help of a professional tipster,

Who really went down a storm.

 

The canapés arrived and the Champagne flowed

And then they all sat down to eat.

The cheese arrived at the same time as The Queen

So they all quickly leapt to their feet.

 

The excitement grew as the first race neared

And they felt sure that they’d picked a winner!

But alas, an outsider flew past the post

Making their wallets just that little bit thinner.

 

With Placepots down the drain

They quickly moved  to the next race of the day.

Some vanished to the Tote,  to make serious bets

Fighting through the crowds on their way.

 

The Queen didn’t get a chance to pop across

And chat to them over afternoon tea

But they knew she was tied up in the Royal Box

So they just had to let things be.

 

As the last race neared, it was a chance to recoup

Some of the money that had been lost.

But being a ‘Bumper’ – a donkey won

And they all shook their heads to their cost.

 

Then all too soon it was over

Leaving them feeling a little bit sad

As they gathered to say their goodbyes

And hoped that the traffic wasn’t bad.

 

 

April 11, 2012

 

 

Is that the face that once beamed with joy?

That would soften at the sight of an animal

Or fledgling bird taking flight

Is that you – the girl I once knew?

The one I grew up with and saw in the mirror

Each day and night

Is that you?

Are you alright?

 

 

 

 

Subliminal genius

God given talents

Heaven sent intuition

All gifts of life available

to those willing to open

up their minds

 

 

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