April 25, 2012

 

 

Please can you come and rescue us

We look like fools, we’re dressed all wrong

They don’t wear clothes like this down here

We feel like we don’t belong

 

Everyone is staring at us

So we’re coming out onto the street

Can you bring our jeans and jackets

And we’ll change in your back seat

 

We saw the nudges as we walked in

Eyes wide open and filled with shock

We daren’t go on the karaoke

Because we know us, they would mock

 

So get to us as quickly as you can

As this place is just coming alive

We are seventh on the list to sing

Our favourite song, which is ‘I will survive’

 

 

 

 

 

That one fly ruined everything

I tried to swat it with my hand

Knocking over a glass of wine in the process

And wrecking a summer’s lunch that was grand

 

‘Shall we eat inside or out’

He asked me when we arrived.

And as he’s a man of the great outdoors

Of the sun, I knew he wouldn’t want to be deprived

 

So I acquiesced, I think that’s the word

Well anyhow, we finished up sat on a form

Covered in pigeon pooh with ants

Running amok – Oh, how I longed for a storm.

 

Being the fantasist that he is

These obstacles were of little dread

And I sat there thinking ‘Ee what a fool,

The sun’s burning the top of his head’

 

Then it arrived, I knew it would come

It follows me everywhere

I know it’s the same one, I live in fear

The ‘little shit’ hasn’t got a care!

 

My man is a ‘foodie’, a gourmet renowned

And selected from the menu his choice

Whilst slavering over the Hungarian waitress

As he listened to her so sexy voice!

 

He’s building up another scenario, I thought

Of expectation filled with desire

‘I’ll take a bottle of the Chablis, my dear’

He said with his bright eyes on fire.

 

For starters he’d decided on the crab salad

Followed by a rare rib eye steak

I still can’t believe how it all went so wrong

And such a gorgeous setting, sat by the lake!

 

Life seemed so perfect, well for him at least

Though I too, was starting to unwind

But that nuisance fly just wouldn’t go away

So I lashed out with all the power I could find

 

‘Oh well done Darling’, he sarcastically uttered

As his steak sailed in a sea of white wine

‘The cabaret is free’ I said to other diners

As the Hungarian floosie asked ‘Is everything fine’?

 

 

 

April 23, 2012

 

 

I’m just nipping outside

I won’t be a minute

I feel like a stroll

In the fresh air

I’ll be back in a tic

No, I’m not feeling sick

 

I’m ok

I’ll be back straight away

In fact, before you can say

‘Cold hard boiled eggs’

 

COLD HARD BOILED EGGS!

How I hate them

Detest them

Phew, I could heave

From the table I’d leave

If I caught sight of just one of those

 

But I am rather partial

To a big plate of mash

I don’t mean that trash

No, proper squashed potatoes

With milk, cream and butter

Makes me slaver and stutter

‘Such bliss’ I do utter

 

When it’s brought to the table

By a wench who is able

To take my jokes with a titter

I’ll have another pint of bitter

Followed by a whisky

I’m feeling quite frisky

 

But it’s time once again for my stroll

You know I’ve quit smoking

Honestly, I’m not joking

Well, I might have the odd puff

But that’s generally enough.

Oh, here’s the sweet trolley

Pushed by a dolly

I’m feeling quite randy

I’ll manage a brandy

With my coffee and chocolate éclair

 

But first – I’m going back out there

For another spot of fresh air

So sit down and keep calm

There’s no cause for alarm

 

I’ll return in a jiffy

I’ll try not to smell whiffy

It’s totally legal

To go look for an eagle

 

In the night sky

Don’t ask me why?

Everyone does it

So don’t shake your head with a sigh

 

Because I’m telling you why

 

I’m not bats or bonkers

Didn’t that waitress have big honkers?

Where was I?

Oh yes, I digress

 

There’s no harm in a fag

Without one, life’s a drag

But I’m not pulling your leg when I say-

There’s nothing I hate more

Than a horrible

Cold hard boiled EGG!

 

 

 

 

 

April 22, 2012

 

 

They had to make up their differences

 

Though she didn’t think she was in the wrong

 

  They always blamed each other

 

              Their sense of rivalry was so strong

 

Call it a clash of personalities!

 

          Two individuals wanting centre stage

 

   And inevitably a ‘no win’ situation

 

 To be in the same room filled them with rage

 

But sense in the end, had to happen

 

               Their anger was affecting everyone

 

So they met and shook hands and agreed

 

That from now on, all bad feeling would be gone

 

 

 

   But even at the point of forgiveness

 

          She still thought him a selfish prat

 

  They’ll always rub each other up the wrong way

 

        But she’s stuck with him, so that’s that.

 

 

 

April 20, 2012

 

 

The by-pass worked

The Viagra too

A second chance

To start anew

 

 

 

 

It was never really over,

For there never was an end.

In a crisis they would get in touch,

They were still each other’s friend.

 

It wasn’t really unfinished business.

For sex had long since gone.

It was nice to have someone out there,

They could sometimes lean upon.

 

To meet would be foolhardy,

To love would be insane.

It’s a mistake in life to ever go back

And always ends in pain

 

But it’s nice to chat, every now and then

And bring each other up to date

Who knows what the future holds for them

No one knows their fate!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What a total pack of lies you tell,

You oversell your story.

Why not tell it like it is?

Why surround yourself with glory

 

 

 

 

That powerful, all consuming urge,

When nothing else really matters.

As you block out all the grief in your life,

And in your head the window shatters.

 

That feeling is beyond compare

And even though you shouldn’t be there.

You keep returning again and again,

Into her private lair.

 

 

 

 

Try to keep things in perspective,

Don’t go over the well trodden ground.

To keep reliving the past, as was then,

Is destructive, so turn things around.

 

Try to keep life in compartments,

By keeping a mental file.

That is easily tucked away in a place,

Somewhere in the memory’s mile.

 

Try to keep going forward,

Yesterday is dead and buried.

Look forward to all your tomorrows,

But don’t let your today’s be hurried.

 

Try to keep looking cheerful,

Whilst inside you are falling apart.

That way you will trick your brain,

And love will flow to your heart

 

 

April 19, 2012

 

 

I’ve got a lovely velvet coat,

It buttons to the floor.

I feel the bees knees in it.

But I don’t wear it anymore.

 

I’ve got a heavy, thick black cape,

It comes right past my knees.

But I don’t bother wearing it,

So my knees, I let them freeze!

 

I’ve got hundreds of matching suits,

That in my wardrobe sit.

But they are all last seasons,

And some, they don’t even fit!

 

I’ve got four thousand pairs of shoes,

Some, I’ve never had on.

I’ve searched two months for my favourite pair,

I don’t know where they’ve gone.

 

I’ve got millions of bottles of perfume,

Nail varnish and lipsticks too.

In every colour you can think of,

And guess what, I’ve even got blue!

 

You couldn’t call me a hat chick,

So I thought I’d let you know,

That sitting in my cupboard

There’s only ten or so.

 

When it comes to guys,

I don’t know why I’ve only got one!

I’ll start a new collection,

Goodbye….  I’m already gone…

 

 

 

 

 

« Older Posts — Newer Posts »